"…if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office"

“I’m only speaking for myself. I’m not speaking for anyone else, but I apologize. . .I do not want to live in a county where anytime a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, [it is] subject to some sort of political pressure that, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown.”

Mollie Ivins must have had Texas Congressman Joe Barton in mind as he not only can’t “vote against ’em”, he apologized to ’em – proving [once again] “…politics in Texas – finest form of free entertainment ever invented”.

Nola.com reported, “Republican Rep. Joe Barton of Texas is issuing an apology — of sorts — about his apology to oil company BP“:

Barton had complained at a hearing earlier today that the Obama administration was forcing BP to set up a $20 billion “slush fund” for oil spill victims. Barton said he was ashamed of the White House’s actions — and he apologized to BP. Vice President Joe Biden called those remarks “outrageous.”

Hours after making the comments, Barton said his remarks had been “misconstrued.” He said, “I want to apologize for that misconstruction”…

For a reaction from our friends in Texas, I went to Kiss My Big Blue Butt and discovered Juanita Jean was back in the beauty shop reporting Republicans: The Party of Apology:

Our good friend Eclair put this in the comment section, but with all the comments about Joe Barton, I was afraid you’d miss it and be deprived of a great Friday treat.

Head on over here to see what else Old Whore Joe Barton has promised. Once you get there, hit refresh to get another one.

I’m sure we can add a few of our own.

By the way, Juanita thinks it’s real nice of Joe Barton to give us a little extra entertainment just in time for the Demcoratic State Convention this weekend.

Naturally, I went over to check out Barton’s promises and found an entire website  Joe Barton Would Like to Apologize to.  Consequently, SLABBED readers now have an alternative to the seemingly endless stories that only report the apology Barton made at the hearing yesterday when “Joe Barton would like to apologize to…”

BP, for soaking up all your valuable oil with our worthless pelicans.

BP, for getting our wetlands in the way of your oil.

Tony Hayward. Totally forgot to tickle your balls. Know how you love that. Want to go for another round?

Tobacco companies, for those off-putting warning labels. how’s this, on my way home, i’ll give some camels to a 12 year-old. Al Capone, for our totally unfair income tax system.

The exxon valdez. we only recovered a small fraction of your oil. if you’d like to try again, we promise to pick way more of it up and give it back to you.

The health insurance industry, for that whole medicare thing. next time around, we’ll just give poor people some aspirin and tell them to man up. East Germany, for knocking down their wall. Send us an invoice, we’ll pay.

AT&T, for unrealistically expecting to make phone calls with a phone.

Kim Jong-Il, for refusing his patent applications for radial tires, holograms, the microwave, the chair, Twitter, farting, fixies, hugs, and the 1978 Ramones album Road to Ruin.

The world, for the american system of democracy and representative government. an oligarchy run by oil barons would obviously have been a better system. our bad!

Gavin Newsom, who simply mistook Alex Tourk’s wife for his own because he was so staggeringly intoxicated.

Having let the late Mollie Ivins open this post, it’s only fitting to let the also late and former Texas governor Ann Richards speak for the “Slicked and Slabbed”:

[I’ve] been tested by fire and the fire lost.